Every single one of us who are passionate about adult spanking, experience conflicts about our spanking desires. On one hand we love that spanking images, stories and words reliably turn us on. On the other hand, we hate that our strong unyielding urges make us feel ostracized and ashamed. Spanking is so laden with mixed feelings that it's oftentimes the only thing we hide in a long-term marriage. Either we anticipate rejection, or we've all ready experienced ridicule over a feeble attempt to explain our confusing desires. The secret weighs heavy and grows even more burdensome as years roll on. Most of us would love to tell our spouse, if only we knew how.

I believe that the more comfortable we are about spanking, the easier it is to share with others; especially our primary partner. The first step is for us to get relaxed and feel OK about our fetish. We do that by education, talking to other like minded people and loving ourselves no matter what. This doesn't happen overnight but is the process of emotional growth. Once we get to this place, then and only then, will we be able to correctly and clearly communicate our needs. We'll do this with a feel of 'no apology'. If our partner is accepting that will be wonderful. If they aren't accepting, we'll still be OK with ourselves because we are emotionally healthy.

I have made it my life mission to normalize the spanking fetish by providing education, counseling and real time experience to adult men and women who identify as spanking fetishists. The biggest dilemma is the challenge of getting a spouse to understand the deep-seated need that is linked to spanking desires.

I knew immediately that Carl had inner struggles about the fact that he liked to be spanked. To that end, we spent a good deal of time just talking about spanking in general. I provided information and unconditional acceptance. Carl finally got to voice the ambivalence he felt about being a man and desiring something that he felt made him less of a man. Talk was coupled with many fun spanking role plays. The role plays allowed Carl to be someone else and gave him the permission he needed to enjoy the sensation of being spanked. Carl and I enjoyed the role playing immensely. We got into our roles and had lots of fun escaping into the magic world that spanking interactions foster.

It didn't take long for Carl to embrace and accept his innate love of spanking. The more he enjoyed being spanked, the more he wanted his wife to participate. Carl began to think differently. Spanking no longer seemed abnormal, dark or dangerous. After several sessions with me, he regarded spanking as something that was just plain fun.

Carl embarked on a plan to introduce spanking into his marriage. He and I decided to take a slow, patient approach. Carl initiated a plan of action that was laden with determination, forethought and lots of understanding. He wanted to have his wife spank him but it was most important that she also enjoyed the experience.

To that end, Carl took a pro-active stance and focused first on anticipating his partner's needs. This included being extra attentive sexually, giving massages and creating special, romantic evenings. His meticulous endeavors lasted over three years. Today Carl enjoys a successful, rewarding sexual relationship that includes a great deal of Fem/dom spanking. His wife is very much on board and has connected with her own innate desire to take charge. She finds giving a spanking to be stress relieving and fulfilling.

Carl's story is inspiring. Though every relationship is unique, we can all learn something from another person's success.

I wanted to share this recent conversation I had with Carl.

Prior to seeing me, did you ever try and talk to your wife about spanking?

The answer to this is both yes and no. Early on in our relationship, before we were married, I remember one incident when we were walking through a local mall. There was a kiosk that was selling funny stickers. We were browsing through their selection. I remember finding one that said "You need a spanking" with a sexy woman menacingly holding a paddle. Jokingly I pointed it out to her. It wasn't a strong attempt to open the door but it was none the less an attempt.

The response was a roll of her eyes and a sarcastic "Oh please" or something like that. I did not pursue it again until I started your counseling.

Why did her response shut you down?

I wasn't ready. My relationship had to develop into higher levels of love, caring, and commitment. Timing is everything.

We all know that fetish desires don't just disappear. How did you fulfill your spanking needs during the first years of marriage?
During the first 16 years my spanking needs were virtually 100% unfulfilled. I would think about it at the moment of orgasm but other than that I tried hard to repress my thoughts. As time went on, I allowed myself to buy spanking magazines. Back then they were pretty hard to find but I did manage to collect a few. One of my hobbies is working on antique cars. I built a huge garage for my collection and that space is my very private area. Let's just say that as time moved on there was less tinkering on engines and more tinkering somewhere else. I loved reading the articles and stories about spanking. I also found the illustrations highly stimulating.

This behavior lasted for many years. Then the internet came into play. One day I got up the courage to type in the word 'spank'. Previously I used to look up the word spank in the dictionary. I always enjoyed doing that but it was nothing compared to typing it in online. I couldn't believe how many sites just the word spank brought up. Later I refined my searches to be more specific and I was always happy with the results.

The internet resulted in many hours of intense spanking fantasy. One day I had the idea to bring my laptop into the garage. That really opened things up for me. My desires grew more and more intense. I started to engage in some self-spanking play. I also started to fantasize about having my wife spank me. I even wrote some stories which starred me and my wife. More and more I was tapping into my own desires and need to experience spanking.

How would you describe the evolution of your spanking desires?

My spanking desires were an important part of sexual make up. I became aware of them around puberty. Of course I felt confused and tried hard to hide this need from the entire world and even myself.

Years went by and as I reached my 40's the spanking thoughts came back with a vengeance. I could no longer push my desires aside. I knew that I wanted spanking in my life but I wasn't sure how to broach the topic with my wife.

How did you happen to contact me?

Things began to change in my life. My children grew up and left home. My wife retired and wanted to spend some time with relatives she hadn't seen in a while. Therefore, I had a few weekends home alone. Naturally part of that alone time was spent online.

My alone time increased my yearning to experience a real spanking. I knew that I wasn't getting any younger. As fate would have it, I found your website. I was intrigued by the DVDs, photos and the fact that you offered real time spanking sessions.

The idea of finally getting a spanking was powerful. But I was even more thrilled because in truth I desired something much greater than just being put over your knee. What I really wanted more than anything was to have the opportunity to talk. I wanted to finally be able to express the urges that were bottled up inside of me for so long and then figure out a way to tell my wife. You and I began to correspond through email and I had a very good feeling about you and we started to develop trust for each other.

Still, I was apprehensive about actually taking the plunge and seeing you. I vacillated quit a bit. During that time there was an unfortunate death in the family. I became even more in touch with my own mortality and realized that I would have real regrets if I became very ill and could never experienced spanking.

Do you remember how you felt when you first rang the doorbell and entered my playroom?

That is an easy question. I still remember this well. It was a mix of fear, anxiety, anticipation, guilt, and exhilaration. Once you opened your door and invited me in, you put me at ease with your manor and concern. Soon all I was feeling were butterflies in my stomach which I recognized as true anticipation.

What's the most important thing that happened at our meeting?

A sense of real relief. I had a huge need to talk and be able to understand my need for spanking. It was definitely becoming painful to carry this secret in a dark corner of my heart. The visit helped alleviate the pain or pressure that my spanking fetish was placing on me.

To a certain extent, I thought that I would visit you; get my bottom spanked, and be done with my need to be spanked. However, I ended up learning that spanking was even more important than I originally thought. I grew even more determined to figure out a way to incorporate it into my marriage.

So tell us how you accomplished the feat of getting your wife to spank you.

In the beginning, even though I wished my wife would spank me, in reality, I never thought it would happen. Yet I still kept coming back to the idea that it was really important to me. Don't get me wrong. I loved our sessions but in my fantasies, it was always my own wife doing the spanking. Call me old-fashioned but I guess I'm a one woman man. I wanted to have the full package in my marriage. That meant opening up to my wife completely. No more secrets. No more 'spanking alone time' in the garage. Thank goodness you understood. Your guidance, encouragement and support were the catalysts I needed in order to move forward.

You and I decided on a 'slow approach'. I took that advice to heart and devised a very methodical, very careful, casual way to make it happen.

How did you begin to implement your plan?

My first tactic was to come up with ways to romance her again. We had many years together but so often we were involved in family things and work. Now that we were approaching our golden years, I knew it was time for us to bond back together as a two-some and loving couple. I remember one of the first things that I did. I'll share this simple one with you:

I left my wife a note when she returned home from shopping. The note told her to leave her bags unpacked and that I would take care of them. While she was out, I prepared a bubble bath for her enjoyment. I had her go upstairs and undress. I lit candles, poured her a glass of champagne and handed her a card. I left the room and gave her plenty of time to soak.

Inside the card I told her that on this particular night I just wanted her to experience pleasure. This would be a gesture of selfless love. The card also contained some instructions. Even though I had things planned, ultimately she would control her own pleasure. She had the power to instruct me on exactly what she did or didn't want sexually. I turned myself over to her. She was in control. What would give me the greatest pleasure was for her to accept my offer.

The night consisted of a foot massage, aroma therapy bath, and full body tantric massage. I must say I enjoyed bathing her the most. I found it very intimate and very erotic.

Writing the card was my subtle attempt to communicate the idea of taking charge. There was no talk or hint of spanking. I merely planted a seed. As it turned out, she loved having the ability to tell me where and how to touch. My previously shy wife became more assertive and began to get comfortable communicating the ways she liked to be pleased. It was pretty eye opening and kind of sad that I didn't know some very simple, basic things about her physical make up. Trust me, since then, I have made up for lost time!

I remember that you actually never mentioned the word spanking to her, yet you got this to happen. What was your highly, successful subliminal approach?

The first thing I did was indeed non verbal. Oftentimes I would take her hand and bring it smacking down on my thigh. I told her it makes me realize how much I love her. Over time I would increase the intensity of the smacks. After a while she would naturally smack me and say "See how much I love you!"

I would smack her butt while we were getting dressed in the morning or purposely get in her way and wouldn't let her pass by. She would give me some sharp smacks on my back side. This non-verbal smacking technique went on for many, many months.

We would lie together naked after waking up or after sex and we would also exchange playful smacks. Usually I would smack hers and she would smack mine and increase intensity.

I know that you did many things to spice up your bedroom activities. Tell us about a few.

The night that I gave my wife the card was the first of many pleasurable evenings. The first attempt is the most important. She had a good time so other good times naturally followed.

One evening we took a trip to a local sex shop. I was surprised but pleased that my wife showed an interest in anal play. We bought some butt plugs and a strap on dildo. I couldn't believe that she embraced the idea of being the dominant figure. Though I had never even thought about having something inserted in my asshole, I ended up enjoying the experience. Again, my wife took delight in being the one taking charge.

We also got into doing some 'risky' sex. Our large house has a huge backyard but we are not far from our neighbors. Only semi-secluded. We started going outside to make-out. We got a kick out of the idea of being seen or heard. This exhibitionist activity also led us to making love in the car, on remote hiking trails and once in an elevator! We got a real kick over the idea that someone might discover that senior folks like us still enjoy having passionate sex!

The more new things we tried, the more I knew eventually I could introduce spanking. Even though it was the thing that I wanted the most, I didn't want to appear too eager. I knew it would be important to present spanking as one of many options.

So how did you finally introduce spanking?

It was actually pretty easy. We were used to getting together now and being sexually adventurous. One evening I proposed that we write down new things that would be exciting for us. Then we would do one thing on each other's list. Of course one of my things was getting a spanking. Unfortunately that night I ended up getting a very nice tongue massage and giving her an anal probing. Pretty good but of course it wasn't the spanking. Still, I never expressed disappointment. I felt more and more certain that my spanking was on the horizon.

A couple of weeks went by. The list got us to start talking. My wife asked me about spanking and said she had a feeling that it was something I wanted to experience. Of course she was right.

I found a very traditional looking hairbrush at a local beauty supply store. I bought it and just left it in the den. I didn't say anything about it or touch it. I just left it sitting by the TV. My wife didn't say anything either. One night she came down to watch TV wearing a beautiful, brand new, white silky bathrobe. I had a feeling we'd be doing something more than watch TV! What I didn't expect was the fact that she picked up the hairbrush. I truly hadn't fathomed she even saw the brush. It had been sitting there for over two weeks. So my beautiful wife held the hairbrush in her hand. She smiled and said "Have you been a naughty boy?" With that she sat on the couch and beckoned me over her knee.

She started out using her hand. I couldn't believe how well she spanked. She wasn't hesitant and she didn't hold back. She gave me a proper OTK spanking on my underpants and bare. I know she could tell by my nonverbal cues that I was enjoying every second. I raised up on my bottom, arched my back and moaned in a way that told her I wanted more. She spanked thoroughly until my bottom was a bright shade of pink.

I was so excited that I would have done anything to show my appreciation. Lucky for me, my wife was also aroused. She spread her legs and guided my tongue to her hot buttons. We were both very happy.

The very next night she gave me another OTK hand spanking. This time she used several household implements including a wooden spoon that I secretly stashed in our kitchen drawer (I didn't think she had noticed!}. The spatula felt exquisite!

I must admit that I had carefully stocked our house with items that would not be blatant but could be used for spanking. These were ordinary household items that could just naturally move into spanking. I planted them so she'd just find them. I liked that these items were realistic and very in tune with the idea of pure domestic discipline.

Once we got started, the spankings increased. It was almost a pavlovian response. My wife saw my happiness. She's a good, caring woman. Of course she wanted to make me happy as she always has. She discovered something that thrilled me. Naturally she wanted to do it more. And that's where the non-verbal stuff really tied in. I never overtly pushed her to spank me. Instead, I took my time and gave her non-verbal hints. In the end, she actually thought that she was the one who brought out my spanking desires!This made her feel confident and happy.

How has your spanking life progressed since that time?

It has progressed to being a regular part of our life. It's become one of many facets of our sexuality. And remember I'm saying 'many' here because we enjoy all kinds of sexual activity. Including but not limited to spanking.

Mu wife enjoys giving me spankings. It sexually excites her as well. One night we went online together. I suggested that she type in the word 'spanking' and let her make some discoveries of her own. That's when she discovered canes and paddles. I didn't hesitate to give her my credit card and she went on her own online spanking shopping spree.

Another important note. We keep talking and sharing about our reactions to the new sexual elements in our life. My wife admits that she especially enjoys seeing my satisfaction when she spanks me. She loves reading my reactions to the smacks and she looks for new ways to be creative in order to heighten the effects even further.

Just the other day, I spent about 20 or 30 minutes over her knee while she hand spanked me over my slacks and then on my bare butt. I told her I was ready to move on to the implements. She spent the next 20 or 30 minutes switching between the brush and the spatula. She would give me a series of strokes then would stroke my bottom and balls with the implement she held. At the end, she soothed my bottom with lavender cream.

So, it seems to me that your slow approach really worked. Anything to add?

By progressing very slowly, we created a safe environment for us both to explore. We always had the option to say no or redefine a request. The slow progression made it easy as we took one little step at a time. By taking our time and focusing in on enjoyment, it was easy to get more and more daring and open with each other.

If I had broached the subject of spanking too early or fast, I might have turned her off. This is just like going on a diet. It's better to lose weight one pound at a time than by trying too hard and too fast. Today we have a good, long term meaningful sex life. I can say that I'm definitely looking forward to the next 30 years of our marriage!

How did I help you realize your spanking dreams and success with your wife?

Well you helped on several levels. The first was that you were there when I didn't think there was anybody I could turn to. My spanking fetish made me feel isolated. I felt so very different and guilty about being the way I am. I felt embarrassed that I had a desire to be spanked by my wife.

There was a part of me that I had kept hidden from everyone. It was a part of me that I kept in a dark closet. To some extent I was trying to ignore myself. In some ways the fact that I could not share my spanking fetish with my wife had created a barrier that prevented me from being totally intimate with her.

After I visited you, I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders. Part of me that had been denied, was alive. By the same token, I also realized that it was a part of me that I would have to learn to share with my wife.

Subsequent visits continued to permit a safe and controlled outlet for my fetish. We also discussed my ideas and progress that I was making. Progress not only with introducing my wife, but also progress I was making in accepting spanking as an inseparable facet of my sexuality.

I think a key breakthrough was when I realized that I no longer felt guilt about having my fetish. From that point progress came faster!

I finally knew that I would reach my goal of getting my wife to spank me. Your support helped me be patient. I had someone to talk to and someone who was totally supportive. I am so appreciative towards you.

What advice would you give others?

I can't understate the importance of understanding and accepting the fetish on a psychological basis. I think a visit to a professional domme who simply heats up your bottom and turns you out, leaves a great deal to be desired. Talking and understanding your emotional needs about spanking is vital. Whether or not you want to share this with your partner is up to you. But you can't deny or wish your spanking fetish away. You need to come to terms with spanking and see how it can comfortably fit into your life.

In Summary
Carl's case is proof positive that we can get our partners to share in spanking play. First we have to make peace with our own inner fears and conflicts. Next we have to figure out exactly what we want from our spouse and contemplate ways to engage. Carl was very mindful of his wife. He clearly made this about both of them. To that end, he thought about ways to please his wife. He put her needs first before broaching his own. The spanking play naturally evolved. I love that he made it seem like it was her idea. That was truly a stroke of brilliance!

There is no one definitive way to get your partner to spank you. But Carl's story illustrates the necessity of being thoughtful and patient. Practice empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine the shock of learning that you are aroused by something out of the ordinary. With that understanding, you'll naturally have the patience to go slowly and introduce spanking just a little bit at a time.

Some of us like to keep spanking compartmentalized. In other words, we have a feeling that spanking would be unacceptable to our current life situation. If that is your case, it's OK. Sometimes we do need to keep it out of our primary relationship. However, if you have the feeling that you are with someone who has the potential to be receptive, it's only fair that you allow her to be an intimate part of your life. Allow yourself the time to explore and accept your own desire for spanking. Then little by little you can let your mate into your world. Ultimately, spanking is bonding and may even spice up your bedroom play.

I hope Carl's story will be an inspiration to you.

Jacqueline Omerta is a professional counselor with an expertise in sexuality and fetish behavior. She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and over 20 years experience with sexual fantasy and fetish. She is the president and co-founding member of Pacific Force, Inc. She writes and directs all scenarios and story lines for Pacific Force movies. She overseas the production of all movies in order to insure authenticity and accurate portrayal of the spanking fetish and lifestyle. She is available for consultation through the contact information below.