Go out and do a street survey or better yet quiz anybody at the mall or the supermarket. Chances are good that if you say the word ‘spanking’ to the ‘man or woman on the street’, they will automatically link spanking to childhood events. Seldom will you hear people talk about spanking as an adult activity. Yet, to those of us who are spanking fetishists, spanking has everything to do with our adult sexuality. We think about spanking constantly. We orgasm to spanking pictures, words, stories, DVDs and sometimes real spanking play. Some of us imagine ourselves getting spanked as children and some of us imagine adult situations.
One thing is very clear to all of us adults who like spanking: we draw the line between adult spanking and children getting spanked. Even if we imagine childhood spankings, in reality we would never want to see it or participated in it. As spanking enthusiasts, we are acutely aware of the damage that can be done to a child by using spanking as a disciplinary tactic. While some parents today still insist upon using spanking as a disciplinary method, we view them as uninformed and clearly behind the times. In time, society has come to realize that this form of punishment is barbaric, uneffective and can leaving lasting emotional scars. Spanking has been abandoned for more conventional discipline methods.
Spanking for us ‘spankos’ is strictly a fantasy activity that serves to provide sexual pleasure and release. However, on a deeper level, spanking is something that helps us work out unresolved feelings and emotions often conceived in our early years.
Sexualizing Early Experiences
Case One: Brent is a young man in his early 20’s. His parents traveled often and left him in the care of a misguided Nanny. She would often beat Brent and his sister with a garden hose in a sadistic fashion. These beatings finally came to a halt when poor Brent collapsed in school and was rushed to the infirmary. The school nurse noticed the welts and bruises. Parents were notified and the Nanny got fired. One year later when going through puberty, Brent found himself masturbating to the thought of being over the knee of a pretty young model from his sister’s fashion magazine.
Case Two: Craig lived in home where his parents argued constantly. He would often hide in the basement to escape the terror of his father’s wrath. Craig remembers watching his sister being spanked when he was very, very young. He himself was spanked once or twice but they were not monumental experiences. Yet at a very young age, Craig became very curious about spanking and sought out events where he might be able to watch one of his friend’s over their mom’s knee. Craig spent lots of his youth at a neighbor’s home where spankings were openly delivered in a consistent, loving fashion. Now a man in his late 40’s, Craig still likes the notion of a firm, fair, Female Disciplinarian who will deliver a spanking in a stern but loving fashion.
Brent and Craig trace spankings back to their youth but the spankings back then were far from pleasant. Yet spanking was linked with something that held meaning in their development.
Sometimes people who are abused ‘split off’ while something traumatic is taking place. This clearly happened to Brent. The punishments he received from his Nanny were terrifying and inhumane. While they occurred, the boy left his body mentally in order to escape the brutality at hand. Sometimes these intense experiences get trapped in the part of our brain that translates traumatic experiences into sexual experiences. We sexualize an experience in order to transform an intense feeling of horror into an intense feeling of pleasure/sex. It’s the way our bodies protect us and help us survive trauma. Though Brent can’t totally explain his erotic feelings for spankings and certainly doesn’t ever want to experience the kind of treatment he received in his youth, spanking is now his way of working out the horrifying events from his past. The distasteful Nanny is transformed into a beautiful Female Disciplinarian who spanks in a way that may sting but is ultimately pleasurable.
In Craig’s case, spanking was a way to cope with living in a chaotic environment. He imagined spanking to be something nurturing, consistent and fair. Indeed that’s what he imagined when he witnessed spanking at friends’ homes. In his young mind, the idea of spanking got linked to a peaceful environment where people lived together in harmony. Rules were set and the spankings were administered only as a last resort. Spanking represented the calm that Craig craved. This intense longing also became sexualized in Craig’s brain and is now something that is imbedded in his sexual desires. The need is strong, intense and until recently, completely unconscious. With some therapy Craig is aware of why he likes spanking and is able to incorporate it into his relationship in a healthy fashion.
Working it Out
Every single person I’ve met who sexualizes spanking as adults, have no real clue as to why. They only know that it’s strong and will not go away. Some of us were spanked as children; others were not. Yet, at the core of all spanking play there’s an element of working through some kind of childhood trauma. This working through is healthy and very beneficial. It allows us to experience deep-seated emotions that were left unexpressed. Spanking provides a way to give and receive love, direction and caring. The physical act intensifies this experience in the mask of pain. Yet for us adult spankos we translate this sting into a feeling of pleasure, passion and intensity. On some level we are all forever tied to spanking with our sexuality. The question is how do we handle this fetish as adults?
Spanking Role Plays
Role-plays are short scenarios that give reason and build up to the spanking. They are a good way to get into scene, use spanking verbiage and allow you to let go, feel feelings and thoroughly enjoy the spanking. The role-plays may be based on some real situations but they should never be used to settle differences. There are many effective techniques for adults to negotiate and state their needs. Spanking is not one of them. Spanking needs to be seen for what it truly is: a pleasurable, sensual experience carried out by two consenting adults.
Sometimes couples think they can settle disagreements with the use of spanking. Many of you recall the old fashioned ‘Spencer Spanking Plan’ that advocates spanking between couples. This spanking ‘myth’ speaks of a way for couples to set rules and boundaries within the relationship by using the paddle as the motivational tool. This concept can be useful as long as it’s kept within the context of fun and fantasy. In reality, it will never make someone do something they aren’t on board with. In other words, the paddle will not make your spouse take out the garbage if he isn’t inclined. It won’t make anyone iron if she rather go to the cleaner. However, ‘the threat of the paddle’ can certainly make the task appear to be more fun.
This is also true when an unexpected ‘faux pas’ (accident, mishap, unforeseen event) happens in a relationship. Perhaps someone forgets to pick up the cleaning or call before coming home late. Spanking can sometimes be used to alter moods and turn a dismal evening into something fun. However, couples need to be careful with using spanking when times are intense. Before getting out the hairbrush think twice. Make sure both of you have let go of anger or hurt before the spanking interaction occurs.
When Spanking Is Dangerous To Adults
Remember this fact. Study after study has proven spanking to be an ineffective disciplinary tool with children, so why think it’s going to work with adults? It’s simply unrealistic and extremely uninformed. Spanking does not really effect change. No adult is going to respond to having his or her bottoms bared and feel sorry for a mistake by getting spanked.
Never use spanking when your partner is already feeling bad about something. It just reinforces the feelings of low self-esteem and worthlessness. For example, no body likes to lose a purse or wreck their car. At moments like these, one person needs to be supportive and kind to the other. Not punitive. That’s why I advocate staying away from spanking in conjunction with real events and bad experiences. Spankings during these times can be lethal to your relationship. Waiting to spank later can be an option though what fun is it to go back and relive something negative? Keep spanking as a positive experience.
Spanking is theater that allows us to emote, express and get deep needs fulfilled. We’ve acquired a gift that has healing powers. Nurture this present and use it wisely with yourself and your playmates.
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